“We absolutely cannot let him into the Great Hall like this, Prongs,” Sirius groaned, removing a wooden smoking pipe from his mouth as he struggled to hold up a very giggly and very drunk Remus Lupin, who would have looked particularly dapper in his long-sleeved dress shirt, waistcoat, and matching slacks if it weren’t for the fact he kept tipping over in the other boy’s arms. “I can’t show up as Sherlock with a pissed-to-hell Watson! Why did you let him drink this much?”

James, who had taken a completely different route costume-wise and shown up in nothing but a large penguin suit, simply gave the pair a once over, annoyed and feeling slightly judgmental.

“Because that’s how you play ‘Never Have I Ever’,” he replied with a shrug, unscrewing the flask in one of his flippers before tipping its contents into his mouth. After a generous swig, he offered the flask to Sirius, who rolled his eyes and took it from him.

“Yes, well,” he said between sips of firewhiskey, batting Remus’s hands away from the flask. “You can’t stand there and tell me you didn’t have ulterior motives. I know you’re more creative than ‘never have I ever gotten perfect marks’ or ‘never have I ever been a werewolf’.”

“Shhhhhhh!” Remus whispered, an index finger pressed to his lips as he attempted to glare intimidatingly at James and Sirius. “Tha’s a secret.”

Sirius shot James an exasperated look. “Just give him some water!” James exclaimed, throwing up his flippers in defeat. He took the flask back from Sirius and began making his way to the portrait hole. “I’d better see both of you downstairs in ten minutes. If all’s gone according to plan, Peter’s already spiked the pumpkin juice.”

“Yes, because clearly what we need here is more alcohol.”

James only shrugged nonchalantly in response and sauntered out of the common room, leaving Sirius alone with Remus, who was behaving sloppier than ever. Sirius sighed, glancing down at Remus, who was clutching his arm for dear life and staring back at him with big, round, glassy eyes. Sirius pulled a face, taken aback by the look.

“What?”

“I looo-hooo-ooove you,” Remus hiccuped, hugging the other boy closer.

Sirius groaned again, bringing a hand up to hide his massage his forehead. “Bloody hell.”

Sirius sighed heavily as he got dressed, gathered his things for class, and headed out of his dormitory as quietly as he could, not wanting to wake anyone. He crept downstairs into the common room, his breath hitching audibly in his throat as his eyes landed on the last person he was hoping to see sitting at the long study table in the corner of the room.

“Sirius,” Remus said, his voice cracking as he quickly stood to confront the other boy. There were dark circles under his eyes, as if he hadn’t slept in days. “Can we talk—”

“I’ve got to get to class,” Sirius replied plainly, stalking across the room toward the portrait hole, gaze lowered to the floor, unable to look his best friend in the eye. Mere inches from his escape, he felt Remus’s fingers clasp firmly around his wrist, stopping him dead in his tracks. Sirius’s heart was pounding achingly in his chest - he just wanted to leave already.

“You can’t keep avoiding me!” Remus exclaimed, his voice still shaking but also managing to uphold a certain level of severity. “Is it true, then? You a-and… Marlene?”

He spat her name out like it was bile at the back of his throat.

Sirius shut his eyes, bringing a hand up to massage his forehead. “Yes,” he replied simply. He heard Remus let out a slow exhale, as if attempting to release all his anger and hurt in a single breath.

“You’re serious about her, then?” Remus asked, seething, trying his best to remain angry in hopes that it would disguise the disappointment in his voice. “This is what you want?”

“Yes.” He was lying. He was so bad at lying when it came to Remus.

“Why?”

“Because,” Sirius replied sharply, wrenching his arm away from Remus and continuing on his way out of the common room, never once turning around to face him. “It’s normal.”

Remus tilted his head, staring at Sirius with a look of complete incredulity plastered onto his face. “But you’re a dog,” he stated bluntly, continuing to frown at the other boy, who was clad only in a pair of shorts. He must have been freezing. “Can’t you just, I don’t know, ‘doggie paddle’?”

Sirius pulled a face, quite clearly affronted as he crossed his arms and huffed loudly, reminding Remus of an angry, spoiled child. “I am not a dog,” Sirius scoffed, shivering visibly. “Not right now, anyway. Are you going to teach me to swim, or did you bring me out here just to watch me freeze my arse off?”

“All right, all right, turn around,” Remus replied, chuckling at his friend’s impatience. “Now, the first step in learning how to swim is to hold your breath.”

Sirius frowned, eyeing the ice cold water lapping at his toes. “That’s the first step? No offense, Moony, but it doesn’t make much sense for me to hold my breath when I haven’t even gotten in the— WAAAAAAAAAAARGH!”

Splash!

Remus doubled over with laughter, wand at his side as he watched Sirius scream and flail from the middle of the lake. Sure, it had been a mean trick, but the look on the other boy’s face had been worth it. Remus made sure to take his time while undressing, relishing Sirius’s uncharacteristically panicked screams as they echoed throughout the lawns before diving into the lake to rescue him.

“‘We can’t see each other anymore’?” she repeated, a wry smirk tugging at the corner of her lips at she nudged him up against a nearby tree, her hands making quick work of his belt buckle and zipper. “You said that last week.”

Sirius swallowed hard. It took every ounce of strength he could muster to reach out, grab her roughly by the wrists and wrench her hands away from him. “I mean it this time,” he growled, glaring at her coldly. Finally, he sighed, his features relaxing. “I can’t keep doing this. It’s not fair to—”

“Remus?” she finished, her tone venomous and dripping with jealousy as she tugged her hands away from his. Sirius eyed her cautiously as she let out a hollow laugh. “Since when has the great Sirius Black ever cared about what was fair to anyone but himself?”